Weekly Prediction

I've decided I'm going to predict the outcome of the week's MLS matches every Friday. But, first, I just want to ask why pretty much everyone in the entire US soccer world thinks that the Fire are going to implode after Blanco arrives? It really seems to me that, outside of Chicago's fanbase, it is obvious that Blanco is a deathtrap. Sure, there are the Fire fans who think this, too, but I think most of us in the 312 and surrounding Land are pretty sure he's either going to be awesome or benched. Actually, I ask the question just to setup my answer, which I think is ingenius: the Blanco signing has succeeded already. Of course the Fire won't implode; but everyone hates him so much, they want the team to fail. If, or should I say when, the Fire destroy the league in July, there are going to be a lot of really sad people. I'll be one of them, because, I mean, it's Temo we're talking about, but I'll be so overjoyed at the domination which the Fire mete out to the other dozen "teams" that I won't even care that it's because of a horrible, evil, bad man (who is also from heaven and a Mexican).

So, this week's predictions:

Colorado v. DC: 3-2, with goals from Jaime and Emilio, my new hero: It's in the net. Also, Bobby Boswell will assist on all five.

Crew v. RBNY: 0-0, although Altidore will have 14 goals declared offsides, even though he picked the ball up in his own penalty area and dribbled to the half, before slamming home perfectly flat shots into the upper right corner of the net.

Real Madrid v. FC Dallas 96: 3-3, with goals from the Kid and the Cooper, maybe some other people; I don't really know who's on these teams.

Goats v. Toronno: 3-1, look for Guevara to shine, and Canadian Chicago's team to get off to a slow start, but don't expect it to last.

Las Naranjas v. Los Angeles: ? v. ?, to me, this is the match to watch. Houston was my pick for best team of last season, and LA should be an amazing side, but anything could happen. I think Ching and Donovan will both play amazing games, and I don't expect much from Jaqua, but I could always be wrong. I would like to think that DeRo will be the most incredible player on the field again, but he won't be, which is actually fine with me, since I won't be able to watch it. Wait, it's on Telefutura, I think we get that here.

The Reds v. The Revs: 3 v. 0, look for Mapp to shine, and a good teaming between Barrett and Rolfe. Barrett's going to be amazing this season, as he was last season before breaking his foot (odd that both Rooneys would get the same injury in the same year). Pickens won't even have to make a single save because of my man Soumare (who will be known as the Baka Bomb from tomorrow on). Also, look for the Revs to totally suck and play some of the least attractive, English-style footie you've ever seen, while our largely homegrown youth side will play a game that is reminiscent of Brazil v. Argentina at Emirates last fall.

Game to watch: Las Naranjas v. Los Angeles, The Reds v. The Revs (who suck, suck, suck the big green weenie), Goats v. Toronno

Players to watch: Donovan, Mapp, Guevara, Adu, Luciano Emilio, and the Baka Bomb; of course, Altidore's amazing performance will go down in the history books as one of the greatest games for a striker ever, but will be mindnumbingly similar to Romaria v. Keller in '99, except that all the shots will end up in the net.